The threat to our nation’s yoof

In my day all you had to fear was fear itself – but today blimey! Here is an insidious threat to young folk. Apparently children are wearing rubber bands, known as ‘shag bands’ presumably after the 1950s dance of the same name, to denote the sexual favours on offer. Different colour bands denote different perversions. In a craven attempt to avoid lazy Daily Mail journalists typing ‘shag band’ into Google to cut and paste a story, the cynical Chinese suppliers of our nation’s pound shops, call some of them ‘Gummy Bands’ – god alone knows what vile perversion a ‘gummy’ is! To save you Googling,  the colours denote the following base practices. Green=anthophilia Blue=cryophilia Black= taphophilia Yellow=turophilia Brown=nemophilia – you’ll have to look up the rest yourself.